Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
BRING THE BAGELS
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
