But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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