oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
