The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
