i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
