I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
