so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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