fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
