I need to stop coming to work sober
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
