Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
