I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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