chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
