I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
