how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The ass gains better be worth it
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