you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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