yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize