we have pet lesbian snakes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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