oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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