Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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