Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
