Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
