How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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