I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
