Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
