Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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