My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
