So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
