Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
