I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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