Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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