I wanna passion pit in your ass
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
