Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just want to make out with him forever
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
