Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
