I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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