he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
