What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
