so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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