There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
