If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
