Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
