dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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