Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my sisters under your porch take her home
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
