I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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