i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
