Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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