then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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