Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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