Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize