Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
