Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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