so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i believe in u and ur pee
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