just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
