i just wanna soil my oats bro
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
