It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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